by Jack Tenney, Publisher
Have you ever wondered who thinks up those outrageous emails you get revealing for the first time things “they” don’t want you to know? “They,” of course, are socialists and oil executives and religious leaders and union bosses and the like — none like us. “They” need exposing, which is the point of the message.
So after giving it some thought, I have created a scenario to explain the process.
First, I needed a point of view expressed as a value judgment: “Texting is bad!” Therefore, it shouldn’t be done while driving, in class, in church, at the movies, at a restaurant, or while attending a baseball game. Pretty much my view is that no one should text.
Second, given my point of view, I needed to prove my point without confessing to the fact — which might be that I can’t type with my thumbs or I don’t have a cell phone or can’t remember the difference between OMG and LOL.
Third, I dummy up the proof. Consider, “Results of SAT scores from across the nation have been cross-matched to cell dead zones, and the scores of students in dead zones are 17.63 percent higher than those of students attending schools with strong cell signals.”
Fourth, embroider the point, a la, “Stephen King used this data as inspiration for his novel Cell, which was published despite death threats to the author’s life from telecoms.”
Fifth, personalize and demonize: “Jonathan Papelbon, failed former closer of the Boston Red Sox, wore out his wrists and injured his thumb texting messages during the early innings of day games at Fenway. Papelbon put away his iPhone during night games because he thought the lights weren’t strong enough to recharge his batteries using the solar device provided by the Sox, meant for use as a microwave bombardment gun aimed at the visitors’ bullpen.
All of this is true; don’t text, okay?