Jack TenneyExtra Point

by Jack Tenney, Publisher

December 1998

The Clinton mess

There is real need for the country to get beyond this Clinton mess and I have a simple solution that has much to recommend it.

First off, the whole world has to understand that this problem, long since acknowledged, must be dealt with. Whether one is a Scandinavian, African, Oriental or Aussie the solution of the problem must meet several criteria to be considered a success.

Clearly, it needs to be dramatic. Not like the very dramatic but too long O.J. trial, but dramatic like the Oscars or the Miss America Pageant. It needs to be put in a contractual context. It needs to be announced in advance to occur on a date certain then it needs to happen and be over.

Next, it should be unique. Whatever it is, whatever the form or the forum, it must absolutely be incomparable. That's why all this impeachment process won't work. It's been done. Is this one going to be more like Andrew Johnson's or Nixon's? Does it go all the way to a vote or are there just tons of hearings until the dude retires? That's no good. It's not dramatic and it's not unique!

Quick, quick, quick! It has to be over in a flash with a minimum of build-up or subsequent analysis. Wham, bam! ... Well you get the idea.

Finally, it is imperative that the solution be American. That's American as in US of A-American. It can't be some coup as in Chile, South America-American. It absolutely must be dramatic, unique and American just as the Singapore cane whack heard round the world as a punishment for traffic sign hanky-panky was dramatic, unique and British-Chinese. What the guillotine is to France and the sword is to Saudi Arabia this punishment must be one that could only occur in America, preferably with a result more closely approximating the Singapore ouch than the other country's more final ooze.

So here it is.

Super Bowl 1999.


Single spotlight on the coin toss circle at the 50-yard line.

The loud speaker-guy goes "Ladies and Gentlemen, children of all ages, members of the armed forces tuned in from duty stations all over the world, circling astronauts, and more than 1 billion viewers worldwide, the President of the United States of America!"

No music.

No honor guard.

No family.

No dog.

Just Clinton in the spotlight dressed in blue blazer, striped shirt (no tie), beige slacks, highly polished oxblood brown loafers with tassels; big hair, head slightly bowed, possibly chewing gum.

A moment of eerie silence.

Then everybody boohs and yells bad words and a card section spells out "Jerk" in UCLA script.

It's over. Fade to commercial as the president walks out of the spotlight.

The teams come back on the field and the game goes on.

There is much to like about my proposal. Further, regardless of your politics, you have to admit that limiting halftime at the Super Bowl to regulation and having the second half kickoff unobscured by the second hand fireworks' smoke would be worth it, don't you think?